One of my special interests is movies. I watched and rated maybe around 4000 movies from 1979-2002 when the original “DVD by Mail” Netflix service came into being. I’ve seen maybe 500 or more since then plus series. I am diagnosed as ASD – Autism Level 1 with ADHD (inattentive) and Nonverbal vs Verbal Language Disparity. I’ve been re-framing how I’ve behaved in my life and why I have my interests.
Developing a Cinephile
My parents were/are divorced but both are VERY into movies. Both are un-diagnosed but seem to be pretty neurodiverse to me. This resulting in me being allowed to watch endless movies and TV shows. Plus, both seemed to be unconcerned with bad words, violence and nudity. I think that was specific to them thinking I was smart enough to take that in and still be responsible. That was a mostly correct assessment.
This is considered wrong to do to a child based off the scientific studies on attention and education but I’m pretty sure if I didn’t have the massive influence of movies I would have been socially fucked. I don’t feel the movies themselves hurt my self learning except for the time I was willing to give movies that should have been dedicated to learning. One point that disproves that as well is that when guitar came into my life I cared more about learning guitar than watching movies. Guitar is hard dopamine – Movies are easy dopamine yet I chose guitar most the time.
Nonverbal vs Verbal Disparity
Now a key fact is I recently learned from maybe 14 hrs of testing given to me by heavily credentialed PsyD. orgs is that I have around a 98th percentile Nonverbal FSIQ and a 79th percentile verbal FSIQ. This difference is considered a disparity because they should be much closer. That may be due to autism, my inattentive ADHD or just the Nonverbal IQ being so high that the pattern recognition is dominating the verbal where I look for patterns when I shouldn’t be. Example, I write views instead of videos frequently. I then reread my text and still see it as videos because the letters starting and the sound in my head as I read it is similar. The disparity has made my reading and writing quite similar to dyslexia. Yet I am not dyslexic, according to PsyD testing, because I can effortlessly read complex gibberish words out loud. My short term memory is odd as well.
I had reading issues most the time and movies filled the gap in learning. I wish YouTube existed back then for learning (but not for entertainment).
Movies that I feel connected with my autism.
Fight Club
Background: My Life from 1997-2000
I saw Fight Club on VHS in the summer of 2000. I was in a heavy “don’t leave home” depression. From 1997-1999 my life went to hell. I left “art school” due to a mix of burn out and unrealized reading issues. This caused a rift between my father and I because he was paying for the schooling and housing.
I grew up in my grandparents house with my mom because my parents divorced. My grandfather died quiet fast from colon cancer. Then within months my first love, the person I connected with the most in my life at that point, committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge and they never found her body. Then I found out my other grandfather died yet my father didn’t tell me. He was likely quite distraught and still frustrated with me from our education financing rift. We argued and ended up cutting contact for close to 11 years.
Then my grandmother passed. I was pretty close to her. We had similar temperaments. Then I got a job and threw myself into that. Then relatives apparently wanted us to sell our house and I was unaware. Family forced their way in with off duty cop friends that basically threatened us in illegal ways like holding my mom’s hands behind her back and telling us they could “do anything they want” to us. My mom broke free, ran upstairs and called my Dad (retired chief of police) he called the state police. One cop started crying. The family started dumping drawers into trash bags and ran out of the house with the cops… all peeling out leaving smoke clouds from their tires.
Then within weeks or months… I lose track, we had to abruptly move. I ended up living with a friend of my mothers who put up with me in my state of depression. Then I hurt my back at work where it locked up. Then my boss got creative with not paying me and I got fed up and resigned – but taught him how to run the technology at his business first. I was just mentally broken. I spent all my time online looking for people to connect too. I did have some great friends but they were transitioning in life… either in college still or in new jobs or moved away. Fight Club entered the picture…
The Narrator: Masking and Burnout
I related to the Narrator, Edward Norton’s character. He was just going through the motions to barely exist. Purchasing things to improve what he could externally aka masking his environment to seem like he was functioning normally. I’ve always had sleeping issues. The scene of him on the couch felt so much like myself especially in depression and not working. the scene where he sees the doctor, he feels something more is wrong with him medically but he’s basically being told no. That’s how un-diagnosed Autism (ASD) or ADHD or learning issues are. Nope… you’re fine… take this drug and forget about it. I was treated like a hypochondriac.
Going to Help Groups
I had deeply wanted to understand and relate to humans to the point where I’d go to meet up groups that I had a feeling were cults – one of them was. Everything played out how I thought it would. I went with a huge friend just in case. We got home unscathed – story coming.
Tyler Durden: Inner Voice
I’ve had little Tyler Durden phases in my life. They are amazing but unstable and I end up needing the stability to keep my brain together. My inner inspirational voice is similar to Tyler but overall I’m the Narrator. I’ve been able to manifest from time to time. It lasts about 2 yrs and has happened 2 times.
Marla Singer: Connection
Marla is mainly looking for true connection after giving up everything superficial in relationships (traditions and requirements etc). She has a brick wall of a relationship with the Narrator that resembles some game players of my past.
Testicular Cancer (in 2013)
One of the Narrator’s support groups was for testicular cancer. I was about 24 when I saw the movie and not a thought to the reality of cancer. Around 2013 a friend of mine joined Facebook and within days announced he discovered he had testicular cancer. I then checked myself and found a lump. I have great insurance so I picked a urologist and made an appointment. The next day I was diagnosed and within 9 total days it was out of me. Oddly, likely because it happened so fast, I was unaffected emotionally. With one less ball you are pretty much the same. I didn’t need chemo or radiation. So I just had to deal with healing from the scar. When I first got diagnosed I had a good laugh from seeing those Fight Club scenes in my head and specifically thought “Bob had B….”.
Single Serving Friends: Oversharing
I infodump and overshare when meeting people. People randomly start talking to me and I tend to speak to most people as a friend that I have always known unless I have reason not to. Then of course I put out all that effort and may never see them again.
The Shining
My Connection to its vibe
I felt like Jack, Danny, and especially Dick as I mature (ba dum tissss).
I saw this film when I was young. Right after I saw Popeye that also starred Shelley Duvall. Seeing Olive Oil in fear walking around with a knife definitely irked me. The man in the dog/bear costume absolutely blew my kid mind. The entire movie vibe lives in me. The act of wandering through empty buildings is something that calms me rather than scares me. I sense the distance in the sound and lighting. I notice the reflection of sound off the sections where there’s rug or marble. The distance in the rooms with no moving people to analyze is almost like quiet for my eyes.
Jack: Creative Struggle
Jack wants to overcome his failings in life. He wants to succeed at his writing. He believes the responsibility of taking care of the hotel will reflect on him in such a way that others will believe in him. This respect would likely feel similar to fans supporting his writing and causing creative inertia. He doesn’t feel Wendy supports his writing probably because she is both concerned about his past alcohol failings and his lagging career. She is very focused on being a good mom and helping introverted Danny. I frequently feel like a creative failure because I am hypercritical of my own music for both legitimate neurodivergent reasons, related auditory processing issues, and not understanding the perceptions of those that would listen to my music.
Danny: Inner Voice
Danny is sick in the beginning of the film. Danny talks to himself in the mirror which I did as a child and still do. I do this to practice talking to others and to “ground” myself. It makes me my own support. My own self in the mirror feels like another person supporting me or belittling me during failure. Danny is speaking to “Tony” his inner voice to explain things to him. Some say Tony is a third party that helps him like a spirit guide but it may also be his subconscious that is more mature.
Dick Halloran: The Go Between
Dick was a wise mentor to Danny and his inner workings. He observes those that don’t Shine (NTs) and talks around them to those that do (NDs). This reminds me of how I had to pass messages between family members due to fighting likely related to neurodiversity.
American Psycho
Patrick Bateman: Expert Masking
Bateman is a psychopath, I find him to be a sociopath most the time but I’m likely being too literal, and he has a constant inner monologue going. The shower monologue in the beginning is how I think all the time. All the details and the order of the things I want to do. Ignoring the horrible things he does, some of his off color frustrations are relatable. He over-analyzes everyone and spends a significant amount of his time masking. He mainly cares about “fitting in” because he knows how different he is in his mind and he finds it hard to hide it. The surrounding rich players don’t realize how off he is because they are so self absorbed and their wealth allows them to be horrible people. Many people that are ND find NTs to be self absorbed and vice versa.
Rushmore
Max Fischer: Education and Maturity
I related to Max even though I think I was much older than the actor at the time (just checked only 5 years but he was playing 12 yrs younger than me). He was horrible at the basic school topics. He excelled at extra curricular and worked extremely hard at them – showing he wasn’t lazy. He was more immature than his age. I’ve read that ND people are about 30% less mature than their peers. He befriended his enemy, a trait I always strive for. His new friend was much older than him – as a kid I always hung out with much older kids or much older adults.
Films were there for me when I felt alone. They let me learn about people albeit in a dramatic unrealistic way but still I developed socially from them. The gave me my mask traits and therefore much of the perks in my life.
Tron Legacy
Clu: Pain and Perfection
I don’t feel related to Clu in most ways but his rigidity in implementing his design is both admirable and sad. Clu wants to “create the perfect system” which means no variation and therefore new types of programs that are organic, read as not made by humans or spawned by nature, can not be allowed to exist. Clu is destroying the potential of his world by trying to limit its variation and allow nothing that’s unique. Clu was given this prime directive by Kevin Flynn – his human creator/programmer/designer. I feel like in my case I am trying to be more “human” and my programmer is the common neurotypical template given to me by those I’ve come across that had power over me or removed/limited options for me. I am trying to behave in almost all ways like others destroying my potential if I allow myself to be more unique.
